Dieting VS. Living
I remember the depriving conscious choice to strive for deprivation. Without it, who was I? I certainly wasn’t going to become everything I was desiring. Without feeling pain, helplessness and that “This time it will work” feeling I felt anxious. I felt as if I was going nowhere. I felt as if everything I was destined to become would never be. As ultimately, it was where the secrets were kept. The secrets were kept in the excessiveness. The secret to my life all of a sudden becoming everything I knew it could possibly be – laid in that feeling, in turn.. my dream body? My dream body was everything I needed to FINALLY feel ok? And regardless of how many times I would fall, get back up and find another way. It would be worth it?. Regardless of how many times my self confidence dropped, that every diet I failed, that every human experience of connection – love with families, non stressing over mums delicious dinner that she slaved to cook us – It would be worth it. I would get there – THEN I could enjoy everything I deprived myself of. . . .
Behind the perfection that dieting gave, it was like the secret hack to life right? If we be excessive – feel deprivation.. euphoria would become.
I was nannying – the kids went to sleep, it was lunch time and my normal activities of either dieting – binging or trying to distract myself from both was going down. I remember googling “how to get anorexia” ( I wish I was joking! ). The crazy thing is there is no way that I wanted anorexia. I wanted the extreme weight loss. I wanted my life back. I wanted this feeling of being lost GONE.
Lying on the lounge room floor – with confusion, a sense of “yep this will do it” and also the sense of “are you fucking mad?” I, as instructed was punching myself in the stomach – as this would relieve me of my hunger pains. As I was punching myself I remember laughing as this was just out of the world ridiculous- but rediculous meant winning to me. Anything I had tried was rediculous in my eyes, time restraints, calorie deprivation, extreme tiredness from lack of what my body ACTUALLY NEEDED. Not knowing when to eat, how to eat and always relying on a coach, pt or outer responsibility to lead me.
Since when and why did I hand over my empowerment?
Why was I lying on the lounge room floor – punching my stomach?
Why was I painting my finger nails to distract me from eating?
Why was I not EATING when I was HUNGRY? Why did I not realise that everything I was is as meant to be. Why did I not realise that all I was striving for was a sense of love for myself. Why did I not realise that this does NOT come from a physical body – This comes from a mental state. WHY did I not appreciate the world as I would walk in the morning and only think of the calories I was burning. Why did I NOT move my body because I could, only because I wanted to reduce the fat on my thighs. Why did I NOT appreciate that every part of who I am serves a purpose for LIVING with joy, living with health, living and impacting this world with my purpose.
As far as my journey goes – I thank the universe every single day; I thank the universe that I went through every part of what I did, some journeys may not be as extreme as mine and some worse; but whatever the feeling.. if you aren’t living – your simply not living. If you are dieting – life starts when you stop.
Dieting is a mental state in our generation and it needs to STOP! We need to be adhered to the fact that we ARE the creators of our own path, we ARE empowered to make choices, learn, grow and be fulfilment. We ARE powerful beyond means and we have everything inside of us.
I will never ever allow myself to get to that point again, the more I look for answers the more I go within. The more I want to change, the more I need to love.
– Emma L Baker